I have with my ex partner in the past when there were no problems going on and it was all a laugh but I was absolutely confident then that I was attractive to my ex by the amount of sex we had and how he told me constantly how much he fancied me. I don’t feel like that now
I know he looks at porn a lot when I’m not around, in fact I got home early and walked in on him looking at it (not masturbating I must add!) but he panicked and switched it off instantly, and I panicked and ran lol!!!! Afterwards I did think I missed a chance to say shall we look at it together, but that was quite a while ago
I’ve looked through his history on the computer, almost to find out if he had anything he particularly liked which I could do but he looks at anything and everything ~ old (thank goodness) and young, large and small, all races, all size breasts! Doesn’t seem to be films, just pictures
So it’s just me he doesn’t want to look at, he never watches me undress or takes my clothes off or anything like that, not even at the beginning, and certainly never reassures me that he finds me attractive. I don’t believe in fishing for compliments because then they mean nothing but a coupla times I did ask if he still fancies me. Once he said “What’s up? Are you feeling insecure?” and the other time he said “What do you think? Of course I do or you wouldn’t be here in my bed”
I do wonder if he’s wants to deliberately keep me insecure, but why?
I have started to look at porn myself, really to remind myself what real sex is like so that he can’t brainwash me into thinking our pale imitation of it is the real deal
And read back some of the messages from the guys on here, that helps a lot, but I can feel myself spiralling down and down and when I look at myself in the mirror it’s hard to see why I would turn him on really On one level I know I’m not bad for my age but on another level I compare myself to every other woman I see and think they’re more sexy than me cos they can satisfy their partners
But you’re still young! I’ve chosen to be with an old banger (his words) and he was honest about it when we met, but you have a long time ahead of you. I hope you get the problem sorted out before the damage is permanent
Can i just pick up on one phrase you used which absolutely SHOUTED at me as what happens with me and my partner?
“He can get an erection and keep it as long as I’m performing orally or manually”
I think the key words here are “I’m performing” – while we’re knocking our socks off to give them pleasure it’s ok but the minute we relax and hand over to them to “perform” it just goes to pot. It’s difficult for me not to think he’s being lazy
Sorry, I don’t mean to wind you up more than you are already but I have so many mixed emotions flying round they all tend to get in a muddle
Btw – I’ve stopped the oestrogen pessaries to see if that makes a difference
He can get an erection and keep it as long as I’m performing orally or manually…but penetration doesn’t allow him to stay hard long. Like you, I keep thinking it must be ME. I’m only 35 and have only given birth once…but still wonder why I just don’t “do it” for him anymore.
from another mans perspective, IT IS NOT YOU, lost wo marriages because of this issue, they thought itwas their fault, and it was a medical issue i wasn’t willing to confront, plus at the time wasn’t much availble except counseling and yohimbe, doctors never talked about a VED
What you described happened to us also, he would stay hard until penetration and then ploof.
And I had the same insecurities as you have. Take it from me, stop blaming yourself. It’s him and it’s not personal, it’s a disorder. And the proof of that is that now when he takes a drug, it works!
Getting an erection isn’t really the problem, he nearly always gets one with my help, but just can’t maintain it. It lasts longer for oral and manual but goes down quickly when we try to have intercourse, after a minute or two. Occasionally it lasts a bit longer, but never long enough for him to orgasm, he only comes when I masturbate him and not always then (he’s suffered from delayed ejaculation all his life)
This does make me feel it must be something to do with me – he was really keen yesterday morning and we managed sex for a few minutes before he went soft. I got him erect again – he was so desperate but only stayed hard about a minute the second time so we resorted to Plan B and he came that way, which he said was amazing!
But I felt really sad, surely if he can get hard (and stay hard!) for long enough to come when I masturbate him it must be something to do with me and I said I don’t think his willy likes being in me to which he joked (I guess?) that it can’t breathe when it’s in there!
I thought perhaps I get too wet so I suggested I should cut down on the oestrogen pessaries I use for dryness since the menopause but he said no it might be too scratchy!!! But it still worries me that after 3 children I’m too loose, I do regular pelvic floor exercises in case that’s it and I have heard there’s an op to tighten things up. Previous partners didn’t seem to have trouble but I can’t get this thought out of my head. It’s taken a long time for me to open the subject of it being my fault (in case he says it is?????)so don’t want to go on and on to him in case it makes the ED worse!
I’ll really try James, he’s due for an annual blood check etc with his Dr soon. The idea of possible free samples will excite him, though the system might be different here in the UK
I did suggest a band cos I’m sure that would help but he sort of dismissed that with a joke that it might fly off and twang me!!! Avoiding the issue again!
Failing that I’m going to see my own Dr (male) soon and think I’m going to speak to him about it all – who knows, he might give me some pills which could kill my libido! That’d teach him, the old skinflint – no more Plan B ha ha!!!!!