We actually did probably about 75% of the time. When I say we had a GREAT sex life, I’m not kidding…it was really, really good and we were always so “in tune” with each other’s bodies and needs. That’s why the loss of it is such a difficult thing for both of us…and like your husband, mine would NEVER talk to the doctor about things so private and personal either until I simply told him if he didn’t, I was going in there and if he refused that, then our relationship was in big trouble. Ultimatums aren’t always SO bad!
I’m glad the meds are helping him. I don’t remember how much of ED is physical but it used to be thought that mental issues were a large percentage. Now that they have treatments that work they have switched around totally and say that most ED is physical.
Many women think that the problem is them but… How to say this? Erections are not like flexing a muscle. Men don’t “Will them” like lifting a weight when they want to. Its much more out of our control like the iris of the eye opening in the dark. So… I really really doubt he is (or could) fake having ED.
I probably said this badly. Anorgasmia and ED can both be caused by things like SSRI side effects. But a guy can still be orgasmic and have ED or even the other way around.
Check out amazon.com and do a search on impotence ED for some books that might be good reads.
At one point, when he was laid off for a period of 7 mos or so and could not find a job, we had practically NO sex, he was so depressed. LIke many men, his self worth seems to be tied up in his work. Which scares me about retirement!
So anyway, after a lot of guilt, arguing, blaming, etc….he finally saw the urologist and what an awakening…
It’s been a long process though, we went thru years of the aforementioned feelings, and he never wants to see doctors anyway. But I think he finally realized he was losing “US”…. he finally saw the urologist, tried different things and it seems like he finally got on a good plan because we’re back in business!
But I will say, when you are both in your fifties, it’s never going to be like when we were in our thirties or even forties! So a touch of realism is good too.
And let’s never underestimate the use of fun sex toys….and oral sex.
Good luck! next time you post, give us a name!
The return of his desire is a HUGE deal to me and I’m overjoyed that it’s back. Before, I beat myself up horribly wondering what was wrong with me, if there were someone else he was thinking of (because at one time, he did admit to me that there was someone else he was thinking of at times and it HURT…although he never acted on it and we were able to get our marriage back on track), if he was having a physical affair, etc.
I also have wondered if his ED is physical or if it is psychological. The issues I find that make me believe it’s physical is his lack of penile sensitivity, his pre-existing delayed ejaculation and his renewed desire. Before, I would’ve believed it was psychological and I guess it still could be if he is faking his renewed desire but I don’t feel that he’s faking the desire because he never bothered to fake a desire for the past three years during the time I saw it fading fast.
I know some have commented that anorgasmia is a totally different issue, however I read on a site while doing a little research the other day that it is, in fact, a form of ED…I don’t really know though.
And one last question…are there any books out there that anyone has found that have been really helpful for couples facing this issue? I find ALL KINDS of sexual health books for women but canNOT seem to find any good ones about men’s sexual health or dealing with ED.
but its high on the list of drugs that can cause sexual side effects. Wellbruten is often added to restore sex drive and? I’m not sure if it helps with ED. ED may be part of the side effects for depression meds or a separate thing?
Anyway, the important thing is not to get discouraged about this there are some possible solutions.
Anyway, the thing to do is be very specific when he sees the doctor. I’m having problems with ED and I’m anorgasmic. This is really a problem so what can be done?
I did some google searches and some of the solutions (might) be.
Taking the depression meds early in the day so they are lower levels at night.
Changing the dose or the type of drug for depression.
The doctor may prescribe another drug to take before you get intimate. There are some that counter the anorgasmia.
Adding Viagra or using one of the other ED solutions like VEDs, Muse, Trimix etc etc.
Ok, so I will introduce myself after a couple of months of lurking. I am a 35 y/o female with a 45 y/o husband. We had a great sex life for the first 7 years of our relationship, but the past 3 have been somewhat frustrating for us both. There are lots of issues, but in short, I really believe it all started with depression after his business burned to the ground. The first year after the fire, his desire came and went. The second year, there was NO desire at all…I was lucky to experience sex once a month. The third year also majorly lacked in desire, but it also lacked in ability. I’m not sure “use it or lose it” applies to sex, but it sure has seemed to in our case! Now that our marriage is back on track and he has been properly treated for depression (Wellbutrin and a very small dosage of Prozac) and his desire is back, he can never achieve a full erection and even when he can, he cannot ejaculate…not orally, manually or through penetration. He did talk with is doctor about testosterone levels and they were found to be low although I’m not sure of the numbers. After treating an underactive thyroid and high cholesterol, he was told that his levels were back to normal.
Looking back over the past ten years, I sometimes wonder if he hasn’t always suffered from a touch of ED because although he was always able to achieve and maintain a firm erection, it took him MONTHS to be able to achieve ejaculation through penetration when we first began our sexual relationship. He has also never been one for “quickies” and has always lasted for a long time. There have also been other small things that came to my attention that lead me to believe that he may possibly not have the penile sensitivity that some men have. He is also uncircumcised and I wonder if this has a little to do with his lack of sensitivity. While we do utilize plan b and he can sometimes maintain a long enough erection to bring me to orgasm, we seriously miss being able to finish together and we also both miss him being able to finish at all. I worry that he will become so frustrated with the issue that he loses all desire all over again.
Our most major issue is getting his doctor to understand that this has become a real issue in our marriage. It’s not so easy to just change doctors either because we don’t currently have health insurance. I feel “stuck” because without the insurance and a doctor that is willing to push to help us out, we can’t really afford a lot of medical help.
Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
I don’t know if your healthcare system covers perhaps a mental health professional where you may want to go and vent. Sounds to me like your self esteem is taking a beating and you can’t let that happen. I try to think of each new day as an opportunity to have a good one, no matter what. Of course then the day actually begins and shit happens but still, we don’t have to let it get to us all the way thru.
I don’t remember your age but perhaps you are also going thru peri or menopause, and that could be coloring much of your thinking. You might want to join an online group of women to speak about that. I hate to see another woman suffer needlessly. we are such beautiful creatures!
Back in the 90’s I had a friend whose BF had to go for injections of testosterone every few months. At the time I didn’t get it. I was new in my relationship with Ron and we were rabbits. My ex husband was a rabbit all his life, though a lousy lover, so hardons don’t always mean great sex.
I hope you have found, or will find, another life partner, if you so desire.
I have with my ex partner in the past when there were no problems going on and it was all a laugh but I was absolutely confident then that I was attractive to my ex by the amount of sex we had and how he told me constantly how much he fancied me. I don’t feel like that now
I know he looks at porn a lot when I’m not around, in fact I got home early and walked in on him looking at it (not masturbating I must add!) but he panicked and switched it off instantly, and I panicked and ran lol!!!! Afterwards I did think I missed a chance to say shall we look at it together, but that was quite a while ago
I’ve looked through his history on the computer, almost to find out if he had anything he particularly liked which I could do but he looks at anything and everything ~ old (thank goodness) and young, large and small, all races, all size breasts! Doesn’t seem to be films, just pictures
So it’s just me he doesn’t want to look at, he never watches me undress or takes my clothes off or anything like that, not even at the beginning, and certainly never reassures me that he finds me attractive. I don’t believe in fishing for compliments because then they mean nothing but a coupla times I did ask if he still fancies me. Once he said “What’s up? Are you feeling insecure?” and the other time he said “What do you think? Of course I do or you wouldn’t be here in my bed”
I do wonder if he’s wants to deliberately keep me insecure, but why?
I have started to look at porn myself, really to remind myself what real sex is like so that he can’t brainwash me into thinking our pale imitation of it is the real deal
And read back some of the messages from the guys on here, that helps a lot, but I can feel myself spiralling down and down and when I look at myself in the mirror it’s hard to see why I would turn him on really On one level I know I’m not bad for my age but on another level I compare myself to every other woman I see and think they’re more sexy than me cos they can satisfy their partners
But you’re still young! I’ve chosen to be with an old banger (his words) and he was honest about it when we met, but you have a long time ahead of you. I hope you get the problem sorted out before the damage is permanent
Can i just pick up on one phrase you used which absolutely SHOUTED at me as what happens with me and my partner?
“He can get an erection and keep it as long as I’m performing orally or manually”
I think the key words here are “I’m performing” – while we’re knocking our socks off to give them pleasure it’s ok but the minute we relax and hand over to them to “perform” it just goes to pot. It’s difficult for me not to think he’s being lazy
Sorry, I don’t mean to wind you up more than you are already but I have so many mixed emotions flying round they all tend to get in a muddle
Btw – I’ve stopped the oestrogen pessaries to see if that makes a difference
He can get an erection and keep it as long as I’m performing orally or manually…but penetration doesn’t allow him to stay hard long. Like you, I keep thinking it must be ME. I’m only 35 and have only given birth once…but still wonder why I just don’t “do it” for him anymore.
from another mans perspective, IT IS NOT YOU, lost wo marriages because of this issue, they thought itwas their fault, and it was a medical issue i wasn’t willing to confront, plus at the time wasn’t much availble except counseling and yohimbe, doctors never talked about a VED
What you described happened to us also, he would stay hard until penetration and then ploof.
And I had the same insecurities as you have. Take it from me, stop blaming yourself. It’s him and it’s not personal, it’s a disorder. And the proof of that is that now when he takes a drug, it works!
Getting an erection isn’t really the problem, he nearly always gets one with my help, but just can’t maintain it. It lasts longer for oral and manual but goes down quickly when we try to have intercourse, after a minute or two. Occasionally it lasts a bit longer, but never long enough for him to orgasm, he only comes when I masturbate him and not always then (he’s suffered from delayed ejaculation all his life)
This does make me feel it must be something to do with me – he was really keen yesterday morning and we managed sex for a few minutes before he went soft. I got him erect again – he was so desperate but only stayed hard about a minute the second time so we resorted to Plan B and he came that way, which he said was amazing!
But I felt really sad, surely if he can get hard (and stay hard!) for long enough to come when I masturbate him it must be something to do with me and I said I don’t think his willy likes being in me to which he joked (I guess?) that it can’t breathe when it’s in there!
I thought perhaps I get too wet so I suggested I should cut down on the oestrogen pessaries I use for dryness since the menopause but he said no it might be too scratchy!!! But it still worries me that after 3 children I’m too loose, I do regular pelvic floor exercises in case that’s it and I have heard there’s an op to tighten things up. Previous partners didn’t seem to have trouble but I can’t get this thought out of my head. It’s taken a long time for me to open the subject of it being my fault (in case he says it is?????)so don’t want to go on and on to him in case it makes the ED worse!
I’ll really try James, he’s due for an annual blood check etc with his Dr soon. The idea of possible free samples will excite him, though the system might be different here in the UK
I did suggest a band cos I’m sure that would help but he sort of dismissed that with a joke that it might fly off and twang me!!! Avoiding the issue again!
Failing that I’m going to see my own Dr (male) soon and think I’m going to speak to him about it all – who knows, he might give me some pills which could kill my libido! That’d teach him, the old skinflint – no more Plan B ha ha!!!!!